Waiter Rant

Waiter Rant. If I had a folder titled waiter rant, this would go in it:


Yesterday was Mothers day. I meant to write this last night while it was still fresh, but I was so frustrated I didnt want to revisit the subject.

When I went into work yesterday, I was excited. I knew it would be busy, and I was hoping to make some good money. 

But Mother’s day was not a usual day.

So let me tell how to be a good diner, and I’ll share a little about my Mother’s day diners.

First off, if you truely cannot afford to pay for anything more than appitizers and water, eat at mcdonalds. Or at least eat at a cheap restaurant. If you feel you can afford to buy an entree or two, but can’t afford to tip, then I repeat: eat at mcdonals. Let me explain, for every dollar I sell, a percentage of it is taken out and given to people who help me out. The bartender, the people that clean my tables, and the cooks, all recieve a percentage that is based off what I sell. So if you dont leave a cent on the table after you leave, then I am paying for you to sit at my table. Do you know how frustrating that is? This leads me to my next point, if you do buy lots of food, so much food that you can no longer afford to tip well, then I am paying even more to serve food to you. Don’t do that. 

Yesterday I had a guy bring in his wife and kid, bought a specialty drink (with a glass!), an appetizer, entrees, then a beer, then dessert. The bill came to $83.17 dollars. A good tip on that bill is $16, a decent tip is $10. this guy $85 even. If you cant afford to pay the tip, dont run up the bill. Simple as that.

So lets start from you walking into the restaurant, once you sit down and the waiter greets you, DON’T ORDER A WATER. I repeat, don’t order a water. Why? If everyone at the table orders a water, then I already know’s you’re too cheap to buy soda, therefore, you’re probably too cheap to tip well. Now a good server will give you great service regardless, but, they will be very skeptical of you the entire time. Also, soft drinks at a restaurant are usually about $2.50, four sodas are about $10, which (at most restaurants) does alot for the bill, and therefore, does alot for the servers tip.

Next, when you order, don’t try to mix and match to get the most food for the cheapest amount of money. Most of the time, I can’t change things around too much to get you more, and %100 of the time I don’t want to. It creates more work for me to make less money. Not fun. Yesterday, I had a party of five people come in. Now the average PPA (price per attendant) at my restaurant is $28. That means that every person sits at a table at Bubba Gump’s should spend about $28. So for a party of five, the bill should be around $140. So when my party of five spent a total of 47, yes, 47 dollars, I was a tiny bit frustrated. for one, it screws my tip (if I even get one, and two, it wastes a table for at least 45 minutes that I would be making good money on otherwise. Like I said before, don’t split appetizers and order only waters. I will be a good server, and I’m counting of you to be a good diner.

Now, your food comes out and something is wrong. No problem, tell me, and I’ll fix it. Simple as that. If you dont like something, I’ll bring you something else. Simple as that. Nine times out of 10 the mistake isnt my fault. I just put the order into the computer, the kitchen is responsible for getting it out to you from start to finish. So please don’t get angry with me. I want you to enjoy your food, and I will do what I can to make that possible. But when you get angry, not only do you ruin the evening for whoever you’re with, you make my job pretty miserable a well. Also, if there is something wrong, don’t try to hide it and pretend that everything is ok. Not only have I been doing this for awhile, but I’m pretty good at reading people as well, so I usually know when you don’t like your meal. Just tell me, simple as that.

Lastly, the bill comes. Your plates are empty, you’re kicked back, your meal is over. The proper procidure is quite simple, I give you the bill, you give me the money, we all go on our way. Now, what not to do: Don’t ask me to split your bill 14 different ways. This takes alot of work on my part to get it right, and by the nature of the beast, it usually results in a lower tip. If you must split the bill, dont pay with cash, and if you must, DO NOT ask for change. I don’t have my own personal cash register. I carry the cash that I get on me, meaning that when you ask for change, I become a beggar with the other servers and the bartenders asking, “do you have change for a twenty? hey! do you have change for a twenty?” Like I said before, more work, less money. No fun.

Now, once you’ve signed the bill and (hopefully!) left a good tip, I will say goodbye and you will leave. Why will you leave promptly? Because the table that you are sitting at is my business, and with you sitting there, I can’t do business. It would be like me sitting in your boardroom eating doughnuts while you were waiting outside to talk to a client. If you camp out at my table, you might as well be taking money from my pocket. When you say goodbye to someone, you dont just sit there next to them do you? There is a reason I say goodbye and have a great day. As good as your meal was, paying for my apartment depends on you leaving.

So at this point, ill leave you to be a good diner.

Happy Eating.


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